Social Fatigue

One morning I was talking to one of my closest friends about how hard it is to muster the energy to socialize solely for me. By the time I get some free time, I want nothing to do with people. It’s not that I don’t like people, in fact, nothing fills my cup more than talking with or even being in the presence of those that I love. Yet, I find myself finding every excuse to stay home if no obligation ties me to participate. What happened? Why did I stop searching for experiences and start hiding at home?

When I was younger, I had no issue playing by the social rules and I had an active social life. I belonged to various different groups and in each group, I had a role to perform – caretaker, comic relief, catalyst, resting point – in each one my role was different but well-defined. When I finally figured out I had depression, a few years after the birth of my son, I had some choices to make that were going to have a huge impact on what opportunities would still be available to me moving forward. Ultimately, I decided to treat my depression without worrying about whether I would be allowed to continue to fly later on. I had already stopped flying as an instructor and decided to stay home full-time with my son, but the role of pilot and traveler still formed a large part of the framework in which I interacted with the world.

At a certain point, the only role I had was one I didn’t know how to perform effortlessly – mother. I had very strict ideas about what was acceptable and how I could behave. I couldn’t live up to these standards. First, none of this fit who I was as a person and was just some standardized list that I had created in my head based on research articles I had read while I was pregnant. I started to shut down when I was by myself because I was so tired from maintaining made-up expectations. I didn’t want to socialize when my time was my own because I didn’t feel like I was allowed to be myself anymore. I trapped myself in the prison of being an adult. I had lost what it meant to be Kelly.

Part of opening up again was to address why I feel the to hide my feelings from others. I didn’t feel like I was worth the energy that my feelings might take up. I thought that if I was inconvenient sometimes that I wouldn’t have friends. I was afraid that my experience would be rejected and that I would feel worse. Somehow I had convinced myself that small emotions were just as impactful on my relationships as large emotions. Confusion set in as I filtered my feelings through what I thought I should feel. When you have to think about every social interaction then it quickly becomes exhausting.

I had to let go of the expectations and start actually feeling what I felt and processing it. I cried to the sad songs and danced to the happy songs. If I am allowed to react to things that happen to me, then it’s much easier to muster up the energy to go do things. I don’t have to be a perfectly pleasant ray of sunshine all the time! Sometimes I am hangry and the guy in front of me can’t figure out how the ATM works. I don’t have to say anything to the guy, but I can vent to a friend or roll my eyes to let off steam and that doesn’t make me a horrible person. Give yourself permission to have feelings. Tell me what you have learned about expectations. How do you feel after new social experiences? How do you approach socializing in general?